Tag Archive: beautiful

Welcome to the World

Welcome to the world,
We’re glad you’re here!
We waited so long for you to arrive,
And now you have.

But now that you’re here,
We have some rules you must follow.
They’re not difficult rules,
Just….a few mild suggestions.

Sure, we’ll call them that.
You can stray from them if you wish,
Well, not really. Not at all, actually.

Your spot in the world is exactly the size of you.
Don’t move your arms or you won’t fit the mold.
Don’t arch your back or you’ll lose market value.
Don’t try to fit into another slot,
It’s not yours. Stay where you belong.

Those rules are just the beginning, though.
The list isn’t too much longer.
Except, it is.
It really is.

And these rules are just the basis,
For how we need you to behave,
We expect you to know the others,
Without being told.

So please, read the following carefully,
Study them, memorize them,
Put them to use,
And don’t step out of line.

If you are male,
We want you to be strong, protecting, ready for a fight, and obedient.
We need you to be active, aggressive, quick to anger, quick to offense.
And please, don’t talk about “gay” things. Sensitivity is for the women.

If you are female,
We want you to be dainty, graceful, submissive, and obedient.
We need you to be caring, emotional, beautiful, and skinny.
And please, don’t talk about men’s business. It is not your concern.

If you are straight,
We want you to get married, make babies, and practice a respectable religion.
We need you to have the very image of a perfect relationship and a perfect family.
And please, only befriend other married types. Singles mingle with singles. Remember that

If you are gay,
We want you to keep your business to yourself. Forget all about pride.
We need you to behave straight in public.
And please, don’t even hold hands. It’s disrespectful.

If you are bisexual,
We want you to reassess your life. You are lying to yourself.
We need you to realize bisexuality is a lie. Choose one or the other.
And please, choose to be straight.

If you are transgender,
We want you to stop making such a big deal about yourself. You want to cross dress, big deal.
We need you to stop trying to change your name and change your sex. God made you who you were!
And please, kill this fad. It’s catching and I’m scared my wife will become a dude and make me gay.

If you are white,
We want you to use only the words white people use.
We need you to hate any race other than your own.
And please, keep complaining about the government. Because it fixes everything.

If you are black,
We want you to behave yourself. Be a model citizen.
We need you to shed your individuality and expression so the racists can feel safe.
And please, no rallies or riots. They scare the ignorant, the stupid, and the biased.

If you are Asian, African, Native American, Hispanic, or any other race, mixed or otherwise,
We want you to realize you aren’t the favorite topic of discussion right now.
We need you to be patient because chances are we’ll get to you soon enough.
And please, no rallies or riots. We can’t fathom that anyone other than blacks get angry.

If you are blond, act like an idiot.
If you are brunette, wear glasses, you need to look smart.
If you are a redhead, sleep with everyone. You are wild and crazy.
If you are bald, wear a hat. Nobody needs that reflection in their eyes.

If you are male and have long hair, cut it.
If you are female and have short hair, grow it out.
If you are a male with piercings, stop that now.
If you are a female with piercings, that’s hot.

If you are male and have a beard, shave it—no, keep it—no, shave it—no, keep it.
If you are female and have a beard, what is wrong with you?
If you are a male with all female friends, you have to be gay.
If you are a female with all male friends, you’re clearly a lesbian.

If you don’t talk at all, you’re a creepy murdering psychopath.
If you talk too much, you’re a lunatic.
If you have no sex, you’re clearly closeted.
If you have too much sex, you’re clearly a slut.

Okay, almost done, only a few more.
You’re still with me, right?
This isn’t too many rules?
You’ll remember these in the morning?

After a date, wait three days before you call them back.
Wait a minimum of three weeks to call them your SO or tell them you love them.
And propose before three years, otherwise you don’t love your SO.
But, you must end the relationship if your best friend disapproves.

When attending a birthday party, bring a gift, no matter if you like the person or not.
Always say hello and make eye contact, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel.
Never talk about your true feelings, pretend you are happy and fine and an optimistic person.
And never compliment anyone. Always insult them, they won’t mind, they’ll know you’re joking.

Seriously, insult them. It’s how you make friends. Forget deep emotional connections.
Never be the first one to leave a party, it will make you seem weak.
Always follow the fashion rule book. If you disobey, you’ve lost your status.
Always network, bribe, fake it, lie to maintain friendships and work relations. Your job requires it.

Don’t ever reveal the real you. No one will like them.
Make a fake exterior from paper maché and popsicle sticks. Wear it always.
If you feel like someone might accept the real you, forget it. Keep the real you hidden.
And never let your guard down. People judge you always. You can never be yourself.

Never be the first to ask someone out, it’s a sign of weakness.
Always dress up. Always. Going to the beach? Wear something formal. Not kidding around.
Wear something that shows off your muscles. If you don’t have muscles, get them or get out.
And make sure your shoes are more expensive than what you’re wearing. Except for your giant watch.

Um, what else? Be polite, but don’t be nice. Make them feel like they belong, just not in your circle.
Whisper about people behind their backs. Tell their secrets to everyone. No information is safe.
Don’t trust anyone. Keep a knife hidden in your shoe and a gun strapped to your waste.
Find a religion and practice it, but hate everyone practicing a different religion.

And please, just a reminder, no original thoughts.
No adding rules to this list. All other unspoken rules are to be followed but not recorded.
Do not be creative, do not think for yourself, do not stand out in the crowd, and do not be an outsider.
If you don’t belong, pretend like you do. Being an individual is poisonous to society.

Follow these rules, follow them closely.
Recite them in your head until they are engrained in your mind.
Society functions on uniformity, obedience, and loyalty.
Love your country, obey your government, love society, obey the rules.

And if the machine needs you to sacrifice everything you have to keep it running,
Throw yourself in head first. You have nothing more important to do.
Keep your nose to the grindstone. Fight the fight I say is right.
And for the love of God, do not question what I’m telling you.

That’s how we lose people. That’s how they disappear.
Keep your head down. The nail that stick’s up gets knocked down. Remember that.
Don’t provoke them. Don’t be the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.
Follow these rules and life will be thoughtless and easy.

Welcome to the world,
We’re glad you’re here!
We waited so long for you to arrive,
And now you have.

Beautiful Drainage

starfish slurry hurricane


Our screens grow bigger and our apartments grow smaller,
Our lives grow longer and our attention grows shorter,
Our ability to live deepens as our interests grow shallow.

We have at our fingertips the ability to experience everything,
We could watch the sun flare from just miles away,
We could witness the birth of an ecosystem fathoms beneath the sea,
We could read words of scholars and philosophers hundreds of years old,
All from our screens.

But do we take advantage?
Seldom few do.

We complain about the rising college rate,
About the number of dropouts,
The uneducated,
The failures,
The losers.

But education doesn’t come from a school,
It doesn’t come from a book,
It doesn’t come from a teacher,
Or homework,
Or rote work,
Or endless repetition.

It comes from experience.
It comes from taking part in the living reality,
Taking in the knowledge around us,
The information flowing through us.

It comes from a connection to that information.
It comes from intrigue, inspiration, curiosity,
And insatiability.

The information is there on our enormous screens,
But we must seek it out so it can find us.

Don’t judge people based on the quantity of their degrees,
Or the standing of their university.
Judge them by their thirst for knowledge,
Their inquisitivity,
That wondrous glow in their eyes,
That would surely die if you said they were,

Tests, resumes, essays,
They’re all just words on paper.
Give this human being a task to do,
And just sit back and watch.
They’ll reveal how driven they are,
Without you even asking.

Drive is a beautiful thing that moves us forward.
But it can’t be squashed because of standards and money,
And shitty bureaucracy.

Let them have their bigger screens,
So long as they expand themselves,
Enlargen the world,
And improve those around them.

Sure, they should get out every once and a while,
But it’s quicker to Google Zimbabwe than to fly there.